So, where were we?
Yes - the pastor’s son.
As you can imagine - I wasn’t exactly the perfect candidate to be the girlfriend of a certain town celebrity pastor’s son. I was new to this whole belief system and I asked FAR too many questions about how it all worked.
One night after dinner, he pulled me into their study to ‘have a chat’. He made it very clear to me that I was not ever allowed to date his son because I was not going to be his wife. If I continued down the path of having a relationship with him - I would be sinning.
So I listened. And I pushed him away. Though I never told him what his father said to me that night - we did remain friends for a very long time.
Best friends, in fact.
We had the zero judgment - laugh until you cry - debate philosophy + religion until 4am - long letters turned into song lyrics - kind of friendship.
We went on a trip to Nicaragua in high school. We climbed up to the top of this coffee plantation. I won’t get all Nicholas Sparks on you, but you can fill in the blanks.
We kept in close touch throughout the years. And when I moved back from Haiti, I went to see him. We picked up right where we left off. Stayed up throughout the night talking. Laughed until dawn. And over pancakes the next morning, we decided to start writing an album together.
After months grueling vulnerability via sharing my poems & journal entries from my travels, out of nowhere… he went completely silent. No texts back. No returned calls. No warning.
Three months later, I was invited to his album release show. Err.. I mean, unbeknownst to me - our album release show.
And 6 months after that - he was engaged.
Ok, YES - I skipped a lot of the good stuff in this 12 year span of my life. But this is not the point.
However, I did want to start here. Because it was the season of my life where I truly started evolving some of the most beautiful ideologies for my life. Spirituality. Human Love. And how heartbreak / pain / setbacks exist in life to make you stronger (no matter the kind).
Now, let’s not pretend that I didn’t eventually go on to hit the panic button & run every time a guy would start to get to know me intimately after this. Because that definitely is what happened.
But more importantly - it taught me pretty early on that you will know who people truly are because of what they show you. Period.
Which in turn guided me to the great question. Who do I want to show people that I am?
2012 - Costa Rica
I’m a mile outside the station and my memory is creeping in.
All the thoughts inside me racing to the past and back again.
If I re-lived all the struggle. If I dug up all the pain.
Would I find a way to change it? Or live it all the same?
This rain that I just noticed feels like it’s driving ten pound coffin nails.
I can hear the engine screaming like we’re going off the rails.
Soon, we will know.